Friday, October 19, 2012

Building the Life I Want, One Moment at a Time

The overwhelming abundance of divine grace. I always find it at the beach.

Perhaps it is the shear volume of sand, water, and air....the taste salt on your lips, the feel of gritty sand stuck between your toes, the mesmerizing crashing of the ocean is grounding, meditative, peaceful.

So long ago, I sat in the sand, reading Brene Brown's book, so lost in my worries, anxieties and weaknesses, the identity I knew, the life we had, all of it changing.  I was so resistant to it.   I would not know it for a while more, but I found serenity sitting in this sand, and in this moment, I found me.

(Excerpt taken from the blog entry Beach Day, July 2011.)

I gaze, mindlessly, at the waves crashing onshore, the foggy haze of clouds and sun further behind. The sand in my toes starts to tickle.

I'm curious, if we took each grain of sand, the ones stuck on my jeans, or the ones all over my feet, how many moments I would be able to count.

Meeting my husband, our first kiss.
Oh geez,dating "what's his name."
My grandmother's death.
Giving birth.
Becoming an administrator.
Holding my son after a fall.
Quitting my job.
Dancing on the stage.
Nursing my toddler.

I am overwhelmed by the number of moments in my life, and I'm only on my big toe. I imagine all the moments in everyone's lives filling up the beach shores.

I'm surrounded by moments. How many have I been present for, living and embracing fully?
 I knew, from that moment forward, regardless of all the reasons my life did not go the way I hoped, I wanted to embrace the moment.

Embracing the moment allows for tremendous freedom.  Freedom from judgments, from shame.  I can decide who I am, who I want to be, in each moment.  My past mistakes make no difference.  My future worries are not reality.  Inherent in the moment is my self-worth, something I have been struggling with such conviction and entitlement to prove...right here, peacefully alive, shining bright as the sun, waiting for me to embrace.  

So simple.  So true.  My life, right here all along.  My own inherent goodness.  Me.  The beauty and the grace of the moment, the only place I know truth.  I found it, and I want to scream it from the mountain tops, and I want to help others find it, and know this peaceful and joyous freedom.

Don't get me wrong, there will always be moments we don't really want to embrace.  The day marking the year long loss of my sister-in-law to breast cancer, the questioning and proposed end of my relationship with my biological father, a miscarriage, the end of what seemed to be seemingly good all of these moments, I found sadness, grief, loss, but I also found love, gratitude, and a deep respect for me, for my self worth, for doing the best I can do, and for all of those being enough, no matter what....

So I stand here, in my truth, and know I am building the life I want.  I have a business.  I am an artisan.  I am a writer.  I am a life coach.  And, I am Aubrey.  And that feels really good.