Just Do It

I remember the moment clearly, sitting in my therapist's office, the sun glistening off her hair, her eyes staring intently at the words coming from my mouth.  We are discussing my refusal to exercise.  She asks me, "Why not just do it?  Just get up and run.  Just get up and move?"  I have no answer.  I am indignant.  I am baffled.

I ran (and fell) on the treadmill.  It's not that I am afraid.  It's not that I think I can't.  I just don't want to...I don't care.  I am angry.  I am rejecting reality.

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Just Do It...like the Nike commercial....Just Do It.  I wonder what it feels like...the practicality of just doing it.  Why not just do it, then?  I want the body movement.  I want the time for myself.  I want the healthy lifestyle.  I want to lose excess weight.  

It's always black or white with me.  Always the right way, the wrong way.  Always all or nothing.  The insistence to do it all with great attention and meticulous detail.  There is no shade of grey.  No, just do it.  

Perfection.  

There has to be a list, a method, structure and rules to follow.  There has to be rigidity.  Rigidity that shows how hard I am working, how much I am worth it.  

If I could go to a gym, get a trainer, go to classes, they will all tell me what to do, tell me how to be healthy, tell me what is right, what is good.  If I could get the right answer, then I would do it right, then I would get the success I longed for, be the perfect person I am trying so hard to be.  They will tell me I am worth it, worth all the sweating, the breathing, the work.  They will help me get to that place...that place where I am worth something.      

Oh, I know...how I sabotage?!  When I do one little thing wrong, when one little thing doesn't go as expected, doesn't go right, I'm done.  That's it.  It's over.  I'm flawed.  I'm not perfect.  It's hopeless.  And, I stop.  I prove that I can't just do it.  

Trainer or not.  Gym or not.  Classes or not.  I am rejecting my own power.  My own potential.  My own authority.

Every part of me wants to embrace exercise.  The perfectionist in me, the it-will-be-better-when-I-get-there part of me wants to control it all.  It's why I can't even call it exercise.  It's why I create a pattern that says I can't just do it.  

How do I get anywhere?  How do I get to this place where I can, authentically and honestly, just do it?

That pretentious ass-wipes gym was everything we wanted it to be.  The play space for my son.  The number of classes for me.  The joy in body movement.  The healthy lifestyle.  The living.  The cost, unfortunately, is out of our price range right now.  I know we will have that one day...well, I hope we will.  I did embrace how much I want that lifestyle...the joy in moving...

Through all of this...writing, reflection, heartfelt desire for a better, healthier me...I realize that I am not living in my power.  I cannot give "healthy" over to a gym.  I cannot give "exercise" over to a trainer.  I know me.  I know my body.  I know healthy.  I even know exercise.  I believe I am beginning to understand just do it.  

So, I call on all of you, that struggle with  changing that part of your life, that part that you want more from, that part you know isn't at its fullest potential, its maximum joy...I challenge you to embrace it...to find your own ways of just doing it...

Instead of telling ourselves we aren't there, that we will never get there, that we don't deserve there...

Let's believe: I am enough.

Let's stand in our own power.

Trusting that we know what's right.

Let's be gentle with ourselves.

Know that we are doing our best.

We are living in the moment.

I am going to begin by simply embracing body movement how-ever and when-ever possible.  I am going to be happy moving...dancing...running...laughing...hugging...keeping my body moving...and just doing it...any way possible.  I will run (and NOT fall) on the treadmill.  I will dance with my son and my husband...to "Moves Like Jagger" or any other fun dance song.  I will take long hikes and short runs with Miss Percy.  I will practice pull-ups and push-ups with my little guy at the park.  I will ride my bike to the library.  I will do Yoga whenever possible.  I will practice mindfulness toward my body, my breathing, my living.  I will be grateful for all that my body does for me, for all the times I've taken it for granted, overlooked it's strengths, it's power to heal.

I encourage all of you to embrace it too.  To know your power is within...it is yours...and it is there waiting for you...to JUST DO IT.

This is the final, in a three part series that discusses my return to body movement, my relationship with exercise, and well, even a treadmill or two.  Be sure to check back to Hitting the Gym and The Tread-ed Truth for the full story.  Again, I thank all of you for taking the time to read these words on the page.  I hope you enjoy them, and if you haven't done so already, be sure to sign up to receive blog posts by email...you won't miss a thing!  Thanks, and enjoy embracing this moment!